Episode 159. Negativity Bonding: The Unofficial Dental Team Building Strategy

Nothing Bonds a Dental Team Faster Than Negativity

You know that moment—
 someone says, “you will NOT believe what just happened…”
and suddenly you feel instantly connected?

That’s not just coincidence. That’s negativity bonding.

In this episode, we’re breaking down why venting feels so good, how it creates fast connection, and why it might be the very thing keeping you stuck, stressed, and burned out.

If you’ve ever walked into work already bracing for the day… or felt close to your team but still completely drained—this one will hit.

Because it’s not about being positive.
 It’s about understanding what’s actually happening… so you can finally change it.

HEY THERE! LET'S CONNECT...I'D LOVE TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER!

• Website: https://www.bethheilmancoaching.com
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Transcript

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You ever walk into the dental practice? It's not even 8 05 yet. You've barely logged into the schedule, much less had a cup of coffee. And somehow you're already in a full blown gripe session talking about everything that's wrong. Did you see the schedule today? Why did she double book scaling and root plannings again? I swear, if that patient says, I'm just here for a cleaning one more time. Or who put the new patient? They haven't been in in 10 years, no x-rays, and you put them in a 30-minute slot. Like, what are we doing? Or we're just going to pretend that patient didn't no show three times and now all of a sudden they're booked at four o'clock. Cool. And then within three minutes, everyone is in it. The tone is set, the energy is locked in. And here's the wild part. It kind of feels good. Like these are my people. They get it. But what if I told you that exact moment, that bonding moment, bonding over negativity, it might be the thing keeping you stuck in burnout. We're going to dig into the drama today. So let's get started. Welcome to the Dental Life Podcast, where we explore how you can have both a successful career and a meaningful personal life in and outside of your practices without sacrificing one for the other. I'm your host, Beth Highland, former dental office manager, Turn Certified Life and Health Coach, and I'm here to help you navigate the challenges and opportunities that come from being a dental professional. Let's get started. All right, welcome back. Today we're gonna get a little messy. We're spilling the tea, we're opening up the group chat. That fly on the break room wall is breaking her silence and talking about the stuff that's happening in every dental office, but nobody calls it out. Team drama. And listen, I might step on a few toes today. But if it's your toe, it's probably mine too. But we need to talk about this. Because what if the thing that's driving you crazy actually makes a lot more sense than you think? And once you see it clearly, you can finally stop fighting it, work with it, and rise above it. You won't feel stuck in all that anymore. You will know how to handle it. We all try to shut the drama down. We fight it, we get annoyed by it, we spend way too much energy thinking about it. Like, why are we all doing this? But today, I don't want to fight it. Today I want to flip it around. I want to call it out for what it actually is and show you why it is totally normal. Then you can handle it instead of getting stuck in it. So here we go. Let's talk about what's really going on. I know you've noticed how you can become trauma-bonded, best friends with someone in, I don't know, 12 seconds flat. All it takes is one, you're not gonna believe what just happened. And suddenly you're like, oh wow, this is my person. But meanwhile, there's this little tiny voice in your head that says, hold on, you know, I'm a positive person. I journal, I hydrate. I mean, I drink water out of my emotional support Stanley Cup. I just said a prayer in the parking lot. Yeah, it's the same for all of us. There's a reason for that. You didn't just wake up and choose chaos, you're not secretly negative. Your brain just found connection the fastest way it knows how. And in a dental office, that usually sounds like, can you believe this place today? It's basic. It is basic negativity bonding, the unofficial team building strategy no one signed up for, but somehow we're all in it. And here's the part we miss though. And it feels like you're connecting, like you're getting things off your chest, but you're actually keeping the negativity going and staying stuck in that cycle. It's the same conversations over and over. I mean, we have all been there, haven't we? It's 1220. You've got about 23 minutes to pee, check your phone, eat whatever you threw in that Tupperware from last night and called it lunch. And you sit down. Someone goes, So are we gonna talk about what just happened this morning or what? And then boom, here we are. We are off to the races. I don't know about the conversations in your office, but some of the ones that have happened in our office might have sounded like this. You've got this patient showed up 20 minutes late with a Starbucks ice coffee. So you insert Judgy comment. And on top of that, they need to stop in the bathroom when you're trying to seat them in a treatment room. Or the insurance down coded that filling, and somehow now it's my problem. The doctor who just said, we'll just squeeze it in. Like you're working with the extra hours no one told you about. Then you go, like, what's she smoking? The hygienist running 45 minutes behind, and now the whole schedule is on fire, and everyone's scrambling. And here it comes: everyone's got something to say. One story leads to another and another, and then everyone's in it, adding their own vent session, and it's just colossal after a point. But here's what's actually happening: your brain is going, oh, thank God, we're safe. We're not the only ones struggling here. Because your brain's number one job is to keep you safe, keep you connected, make sure you're not the odd one out. So when you find people who are just as frustrated as you, that feels like connection. It feels like relief. It feels like, okay, I'm not crazy. And again, nothing has gone wrong here. That part is normal. Now stay with me, because this is where it gets to be a little uncomfortable. What begins as, can you believe that just happened? It doesn't stay there. It slowly turns into this place is always like this. Nothing ever changes. Dentistry is like this everywhere. It's always going to be like this. Honestly, I should just update my resume. It can then get really personal too. It grows into, he just doesn't get it. She always does this. They don't care how this affects us. Why is it always me that has to fix everything? If they would just do their job, this wouldn't be happening. I swear nobody communicates around here. They just keep making it worse. This place is toxic. And you don't even realize it's happening. Because now you're not just talking about what happened this morning. You're deciding what all of that means. You're taking one moment, you're turning it into a pattern, you're turning it into a story, turning it into a conclusion about your job, your office, your future. And the more you say it, the more you hear it, the more real it feels, the more true it becomes in your mind, and the more people agree with you. Even though those same conversations are happening about you somewhere else, because negativity bonding doesn't pick sides, it just keeps the cycle going. That's just how your brain works. It's not trying to be right, it's trying to be consistent. It's not fact-checking you. It goes, cool, that's what we believe now, and it starts collecting evidence to support it. So whatever you're thinking, it goes out and finds proof to back it up, even if that's not helping you. So it's no longer that was a rough morning. Now it's that's just how it is. This is what I have to deal with. That's what dentistry has become. And that stuff right there, that's the shift. That's the moment you go from experiencing a hard day to living inside a belief that keeps you stuck in it. Let's take it out of the practice for a second. You ever jumped into a Facebook group? Now, these are not actual Facebook groups, but I can imagine some of the ones that it could be. You've seen them, even if they're not labeled this way, might be something like dental rants and real talk, front desk nightmares, hygienists who are done, threads in those groups that start with, Am I the only one? Tell me your worst patient story. My doctor just did this. Can you believe it? And it's usually posted by anonymous Daisy Donuts 141. And then within minutes, 100 comments. Everyone is piling on, story after story getting worse. Am I the only one who feels like I'm losing my mind at work? And you're like, oh girl, let me grab my popcorn and my trauma. I am coming in. And the comments, nope, same here. Girl, I cried in my car yesterday. I've been looking at non-clinical jobs all week. Dentistry is the worst it's ever been. And again, it feels like these are my people. But read that thread again. No solutions, no movement, just confirmation. That serves nobody. This is where it starts to matter more than you think. Because over time, something shifts. You stop being the person who can handle chaos, and you quietly become the person who expects it. And that's a completely different identity. You're not walking in thinking, let's just see how today goes. I'm going to make the best of this day. No, you're walking in already geared up, like, all right, what's about to go wrong? Who's calling out today? How bad is the schedule going to be? Before anything has even happened. Your body is already tight, your energy is drained, your patience is already thinner, and your brain is already scanning. Because you don't even see this part happening. Your brain is going to work immediately looking for proof, collecting evidence, confirming the story you walked in with, and it will find it. It's good at it. That late patient, the double book, the insurance issue, the quick question that turns into 20 minutes and everyone walks away frustrated. And then your brain goes, see, I knew it. And now it's not just something that happened, it's something you expected, something you're prepared for, something that feels normal. And that's the trap. Because when chaos becomes your expectation, it also becomes your identity. You become the one who's always putting out fires, always reacting, always bracing, always one step behind. And the wild part, even on the days that aren't chaotic, your brain is still going to go look for that stuff. Because that's the job you've trained it to do. So now you're not just dealing with a hard job, you're living in a pattern your brain is reinforcing every single day. And that is what's keeping you stuck. But let's keep this real for a second. I'm not sitting here like I'm above this. I have been right there in it. When I really started paying attention to this in my own life, I was like, oh wow, okay. I've needed a minute because I've been in those conversations more times than I'd like to admit. I've added to them. I've stirred the pot many times with the best intentions, but it just was like throwing gasoline on the fire. And yeah, looking back, I'm like, oof, that was not my best work. But here's the important part: this is not about beating yourself up. This is about recognizing something that is completely normal that most of us never were taught to see. So if you're sitting there going, okay, I've done this, good, that means you are human. And here's the part nobody wants to admit. You can listen to podcasts, go to CE, try new systems. But if you are constantly reinforcing that bond over the negativity, this is awful. This never changes. We're all drowning. This place is toxic. Your brain will choose that story every single time because it's familiar, it's shared, and it's validated. But you know what's interesting about those connections? They feel strong really fast. Like these are my people. But if you really think about it, at some point, those relationships, they just kind of stall out. I think that's why a lot of people leave offices because you're not going deeper. You're just repeating the same stuff, same complaints, same stories a different day. And growth doesn't happen there. Real connection, the kind that actually changes things, that takes going a level deeper than can you believe this? It looks more like, hey, I'm actually not okay lately. I don't like how I've been showing up. I'm exhausted and I don't even know how to fix it. That's a whole different conversation. And most people never get there. So let me ask you something. And I don't want you to just nod along. I want you to actually answer this. When you're in those conversations, when you're at the front desk or in the sterilization room or just sitting in your car before you go back in, are you getting it all out and moving on? Or are you staying stuck in it? Like you could be saying, okay, that was a lot, needed to get that out, but then you reset. You go back in, you handle your patience, you move forward. Or are you sitting in it, soaking in it, replaying it, retelling it to the next person, and then carrying it with you for the rest of the day. So now it's not just this thing that happened this morning. Now it's the thing that still happened at 2 p.m. It's still happening on your drive home. It's still happening when your husband asks, How was your day? It's happening when you're trying to fall asleep at night. It is the same moment with two completely different experiences. Because one of those processes it, the other one multiplies it. And this is where people get tripped up. They think they're just talking it out, but what they're actually doing is reinforcing it, building a bigger story around it, collecting more evidence for why everything feels so hard. So the question isn't, do you vent? Of course you do. You're human. The real question is, what do you do after that? Because that right there, that's the difference between staying stuck in the same exhausting day on repeat, or actually breaking the cycle and getting your energy back. So imagine this same morning, same chaos, same late patient with the iced coffee. But instead of this is ridiculous, today's going to be a nightmare. It sounds like, okay, this is messy, let's figure it out. Same facts, different energy. Or maybe it's in the break room. Yeah, this morning was a lot. I need a minute. And you take a pause and then you ask, okay, what actually needs to happen this afternoon so we don't relive that? That's a completely different direction. Do you see how that shifts you from putting out fires to stopping them before they start? You can actually get in front of it and not have to clean it up later. Look, I'm gonna tell you, if you don't give your brain a job, it's gonna create one. And it loves this job. It loves collecting evidence, building cases, proving how hard everything is. If someone needs negativity to connect with you, though, that's not chemistry. It's a clue. The good news is you can interrupt that. You can make a decision. We can either keep talking about it, spinning in it, or we can do something about it. Okay, so what do you do with all of this? Because it's happening in every dental practice in the world. I want to talk about possible solutions now. Because I'm not telling you to stop talking or venting or pretending everything is sunshine and rainbows. That is not realistic and honestly, it's not helpful. But I am going to give you a few things you can do that will make a huge difference. Number one, put a timer on the vent. Seriously, give it a container. If you are a Gray's Anatomy fan like me, you know what the elevator rule is. Miranda Bailey is in the elevator, McDreamy gets on, he's having trouble with Meredith. Dr. Bailey's like, you've got until these doors open again to get it out. Then Derek spews until they get to the fifth floor and it's like, have a good day. This is the same idea. It's like, all right, you got two minutes, go. Not 20, not an all-day recap, not a let me tell every single person what just happened situation. Just get it out. Don't let it take over your whole day and don't keep it going. Number two, I want you to catch the loot. You'll know when it happens. It's gonna sound like and another thing, and then yesterday. And don't even get me started on this or that. That's the moment. That's your cue to go, oh, I see what you're doing up there, brain. I see you looping, and just interrupt it. You don't need a perfect thought, you just need to stop feeding the same one. Number three, ask one better question. After you vent, ask a question like, what actually needs to happen next? Not why is it always like this? Why does this always keep happening to me? But maybe it sounds like what's one thing I can do from here? It shifts you from that spiral and gets you back into control. Then number four, change the ending of the conversation. You don't have to shut it down awkwardly, just pivot it. Okay, that was a lot. What do we need to do to get through this afternoon? Same people, same situation, just a different direction, a different approach. Number five, do a mental clock out before you leave for the day. Take 30 seconds and literally say to yourself, okay, that happened, it's done. I'm not taking that home. Do it at lunch. That happened, it's done. I'm not taking that into the afternoon. Because if you don't close it, your brain will keep that tab open all day and all night long. None of this is about being positive all the time. This isn't about forcing a smile or pretending everything's fine. It's about not giving one moment or one situation more power than it deserves. Because here's what happens: one thing goes sideways at 815. And if you're not paying attention, it turns into your whole day, your whole mood, the tone of every conversation you have, the story you tell yourself about your job, your team, your whole life. And now it's not just that was frustrating. It becomes this place is a mess. This is just how it is. This is just what my life is gonna look like. And this is where the connection piece really matters. Because when the only way we connect is over what's going wrong, there's nowhere to go from there. You can meet there, you can't grow there. You stay in the same conversations, the same complaints, the same version of each other. And it feels like connection, but it keeps you stuck in that exact same place. Now, real connection, it sounds different, it feels different. It's not just venting, it's saying stuff like, yeah, that got to me more than I thought. I don't like how I showed up just now. I want this to be different. I just don't know how to do that yet. That's where growth happens. That's where trust deepens. That's where things actually start to change. So this isn't about just being positive, pretending things are great. It's about choosing not to let one moment become everything. And it's about choosing a connection that actually moves you forward, not just keeps you company in the chaos. And listen, this is a dental practice, not Sunday school. Things are gonna happen, people are gonna get frustrated, you're gonna have those moments. I'm not telling you to pretend everything is fine, but I am telling you this. Negativity is a normal, natural place to meet, but it is a terrible place to build a relationship. If the only way you connect at work is over what's going wrong, you're gonna feel stuck no matter what you do, no matter where you go, no matter how hard you work, because you're gonna keep recreating that same experience. It might be in a different office, but it's the same conversations, same exhaustion. So this week, promise me, just notice it. Notice what you're talking about. Notice how long you stay in that negativity, what you make it mean. Because awareness, that's where the whole thing starts to shift. And look, if you can relate, if you're sitting there thinking, oh my God, that sounds literally like my office, come join us in my free Facebook group Beyond Dental Burnout. We still talk about real stuff. We still say today was a total disaster. But we also ask, okay, now what are we going to do about it? Because you don't need more people confirming your stuff. You need people who are ready to move. So let's dance it out. Have a fabulous week. I'll see you in the Facebook group and on next week's episode. Bye. Hey, have you had a chance to download your free copy of my mental hygiene checklist yet? Visit Beth Heilmancoaching.com to get your copy. It teaches you the practical skills you need to achieve the same level of excellent mental hygiene as your dental hygiene. Don't miss out on this valuable resource for both your personal and professional growth.